Why You Should DEFINITELY Keep Score in a Relationship!

I think we have all heard the wisdom that we should NOT keep score in a relationship. When you are in a tit-for-tat relationship and counting each other's "contribution" to the marriage or relationship, it's easy to get discouraged, frustrated, bitter, angry, resentful, etc. That's because it's impossible to always have a balance of give and take. Someone is always giving more...sometimes a lot more. There are seasons of life when it's ok to lean on your partner in a time of need. In fact, your partner is there TO help you. But obviously, this needs to go both ways.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel loved, appreciated, served, respected, and let's be honest: needed!

Now, my contrarian suggestion it to absolutely keep score. But, this isn't what you are thinking. I'm suggesting you look at score keeping from a completely different perspective. In fact, there are two approaches you can try.

  1. Only keep your partner's score...not your own. In other words, count or make a mental note EVERY time your partner does something nice, says something nice, thinks about you, give you something, pays attention to you, etc. Count it all! Let your partner's score flow into loving feelings of warmth, appreciation, and gratitude. Just don't count your own efforts or attempt to balance the scales. Certainly DO all those loving things back...just don't keep your own score. The key here is to live in a state of appreciation for your partner....not in a state of comparison or resentment. Or...
  2. Only count your own score...but go for the highest score possible (and don't compare). What I mean here is some people are really competitive and number driven. Forget about how much or how little your partner is doing and go for your own high score. Make every effort to do and say nice things for the other person. Count it all. Can you do 5 nice things this week? Last week, you did 4. Can you go for 6 this week? Just like a competitive runner, cyclist, or swimmer is always working to improve their time or pace, work at your relationship with the same mindset...how can YOU give more? Just like in sports you have no control over the people you are playing with or against. Your partner is on YOUR team, but you can still work toward your own peak performance. Just remember, with this option, you must NOT ever keep your partner's score. Focus on what YOU are doing in the relationship. Are you serving them? Are you being helpful and kind? Are you uplifting and encouraging? If not...try and keep trying. The more you practice, the better and easier it will get.

So, there you have it...two ways to improve your relationship by keeping score. In a healthy, growing relationship, both parties should be doing and saying nice things, and living in a state of appreciation and gratitude. Keep score that way, and you'll be building a stronger, more loving relationship in no time. Give this try, share this with your friend and family, and comment below on how it works for you.

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